Tonight, I’ll be liveblogging the Golden Globes with my friend and neighbor, Kate. Check back in later tonight because we’re hilarious…
8:00pm: HERE WE GO! Amy and Tina look so pretty!
8:01pm Let’s take a moment to appreciate the best moment from the E! Red Carpet:
8:03pm Kate mentioned that Meryl looks like she just took time out of her day at the office to be here…
8:05pm “If that Julia Louis Dreyfus bit isn’t a gif tomorrow, I’m gunna kill someone.” – Kate
8:07pm Tina is ROCKING that blowout.
8:10pm Great opening! Kate is dead.
8:11pm Best Supporting Actress, we picked… our best friend in our heads, Jennifer Lawrence. The Golden Globe goes to… J. LAWWWWWWWW. Cheering ensues!
8:12pm Kate can’t wait to see what she says.
8:13pm She sounds like she ran a marathon but is adorably awkward as always.
8:13pm Supporting Actress TV, we picked… Sophia Vergara. Winner is Jacqueline Bisset. This is nice that she finally wins an award but Sophia’s rack looks amazing tonight (as per usual).
8:15pm WRONG AGAIN PEREZ. J. Law >>>>>>>> Taylor the Talentless
Jennifer Lawrence acceptance speeches are the new Taylor Swift surprised face! #GoldenGlobes
— Perez Hilton (@PerezHilton) January 13, 2014
8:17pm “What does she need, a SHARKNADO to get her off the stage?!?!”-Kate
8:19pm Kate’s acceptance speech would go something like this: “I’d like to thank my soon-to-be-but-he-doesn’t-realize-it-yet husband Josh Hutcherson. #TEEMPEETA”
8:22pm I picked AHS for best miniseries/movie TV, Kate picked Behind the Candelabra…
8:23pm Kate wins! I drink.
8:24pm Side note: Buzzfeed and E! Online win for best Twitter accounts to follow during these things.
8:25pm Best Actress in Miniseries/Movie for TV should be Elisabeth Moss (my pick) or Jessica Lange (Kate’s pick)…. AND I GOT IT RIGHT. GET IT PEGGY!
8:28pm Matt Damon is looking foiiiiine.
8:31pm Jane Krakowski is totally wearing the jacket from Catching Fire in that commercial, so now you know.
8:33pm I can’t wait for the “scandal” part of Tina and Amy’s opening to become a gif so I can use it in every day conversation.
8:38pm Cranston must win for Best Actor. Must. Win.
8:39pm WELL DESERVED MR. WHITE. But Spader Forever <33333
8:41pm: Also, Breaking Bad must win Best TV Series Drama… AND THEY DO!!!!
8:47pm: We spent the commercial break looking for the “Scandal” gif on Tumblr, what did you do?!
8:50pm: We both really guessed on the best score… “Dun fucked up on this category, that’s what I did”-Kate
8:51pm Afraid Diddy is gunna Kanye the shit out of this poor guy with his hair up in a clip.
8:53pm ANYONE BUT TAYLOR FOR BEST ORIGINAL SONG.
8:54pm Bono writes okay music, I guess (LOLZ JK DUH.) But the real victory belongs to humanity, for not giving Taylor another award she doesn’t deserve.
8:55pm Seriously, how drunk is Diddy right now?!
9:01pm Tumblr is, like, REAAAAALLY upset Frozen lost Best Original Song, you guys.
9:02pm AARON PAUL FOR THE WIN, BITCH.
9:05pm: Olivia Wilde looks AMAZING pregnant. #yowza
9:06pm: Fingers crossed for Meryl!!!
9:08pm: Now Amy AND J. Law can be like:
9:10pm: Emma Watson looking amazingly gorgeous as usual… I looked just as awkward when I was 11 but I did not turn out like her *SIGH*.
9:14pm: I wish Kevin Bacon would bust out some sweet moves a la Footloose.
9:15pm: “I thought it was Justin Bieber for a minute!”-Kate, between laughs, about Amy Poehler as Tina’s son.
9:17pm: Kerry should’ve beat Robin Wright because the best show is…
9:19pm: Hey, Jim Carrey is looking pretty sharp! Also, took longer than expected for a Shia LeBeouf joke tonight…
9:21pm: Best Supporting Actor… I picked Jared Leto, and Kate picked Bradley. I knew Jared would win because he dressed in drag.
9:22pm: “Winner for Best SupporTED Actor in a Film… Josh Hutcherson! Catching Fire!”-Kate (She’s not obsessed or anything…)
9:28pm: American Hustle for ALL THE WINZ.
9:30pm: “This is embarassing…Whenever anyone said Spike Jonze, I thought they meant Spike Lee.”-Kate
9:34pm: C’monnnnn Jason Bateman! Beat Jim Parsons!
9:35pm: Both Kate and I have never been so happy to be wrong. Loving how adorable and shocked Andy is! #WHYAREYOUMARRIED
9:36pm: Andy, best acceptance speech of the night.
9:37pm: Beyoncé for every award ever.
9:41pm: HEY ORLANDO REMEMBER WHEN WE BASICALLY MET BECAUSE YOU ASKED HOW I WAS DOING AND LOOKED INTO MY EYES (AND CONSEQUENTLY MY SOUL)
9:42pm: “Thank you to Italy” is what I say every time I eat pizza.
9:44pm: This is my new wallpaper:
9:45pm: Kate picked Matt Damon, but I knew Michael Douglas would win!! Update: I am winning at picking the winners.
9:47pm: “Cheers to Matt Damon for playing along with every joke he’s been a part of tonight.”-Kate
9:48pm: My brilliant friend Jenna texted me, saying “Julia Roberts, Meryl Streep, and T Swift at the same table?! One of these things is not like the other…” AMEN, JENNA. AMEN.
9:50pm: Starting a petition to ban Taylor Swift from life.
9:52pm: Chris Pine and Emma Watson is just unfair to look at.
9:53pm: Tumblr will be happy that Frozen won!!!!!!
9:56pm: We are hoping Amy wins over here…
10:02pm: Emma Stone you are beautiful but that dress is doing NOTHING for you.
10:09pm: So Woody Allen isn’t even there….?
10:10pm: WordPress is telling me traffic to the site is booming, but it’s probably just Kate checking to see what I actually quoted from her.
10:11pm: Everyone is so drunk.
10:12pm: Shout-out to all my homies reading this who have sent me thumbs up emojis tonight!!!
10:16pm: Winner of the entire Golden Globes:
10:18pm: “THAT’S SOPHIA VERGARA’S PROBLEM, OKAY?!”-Kate, about people supposedly misunderstanding Alfonso Cuaron
10:20pm: WOW, Brooklyn Nine-Nine! I actually really like the show, but that’s #shocking.
10:22pm: Mike Schur (aka MOSE) helped create Brooklyn Nine-Nine, so that explains everything.
10:27pm: Best Actor goes to Leo!!!! Really thought it’d be Bale, but I never pass up an excuse to gaze at Leo.
10:30pm: Reese is so beautiful, but it looks like she hacked off her hair in the bathroom before she walked out on stage.
10:31pm: “I would love to have a camera just on the Modern Family table”-Kate
10:37pm: HOPE AMERICAN HUSTLE WINS BEST MOTION PICTURE MUSICAL OR COMEDY…..
10:38pm: Wooohooooo!!! More J-Law screen time!
10:45pm: Sandy should’ve won for Gravity! (I haven’t seen Gravity…)
10:50pm: Alright, alright, alright! Just keep livin’… Thank you, Matthew McConaughey for being predictable in your speeches.
10:56pm: Johnny Depp is what Orlando Bloom will look like in 15 years…
10:58pm: I feel like I need to see 12 years a slave and, while I’m at it, all of the Best Picture nominees…
And they’ve wrapped it up before 11pm… #impressive. That’s it for us, thanks for joining if you did. Kate and I will be back for the Grammys on the 26th. GOODNIGHT.